Change can be the best thing that can happen in your journey

Change, people have different views and outlooks on change.  We either go with the flow, instigate it ourselves, or throw up our hands and push back.  Change can be a good thing, a bad thing, or just exactly happen at the right time.

I’m writing this blog today one, because I haven’t written in it for so long, and secondly, because I have had some major changes in my fitness and wellness journey over the past couple of weeks.  It became apparent that I was hiding under something a bit too comfortable and not realizing that the path I had chosen was actually not healthy for me or my fitness journey.  Sure, I had lost 36.5 pounds prior to taking my vacation in early May, but my progress as a whole was at a complete standstill. Mostly, of my own doing and not willing to make a huge change or shift if you will, in this journey of mine.

Then it happened, a major decision on who, what and where changed in an instant.  It was painful, disappointing, heart breaking, positive and enlightening all at the same time.  I could see my transformation dwindling, my progress fading, and the support system with which I once desired to be around constantly, just vanished.   I was a mess, for a few days. I ate, then I ate some more.  Then it hit me!!  Why am I doing this?  “Because I have to change and shift and adapt yet again?” “This is life”, I said to myself and began to focus only on the positive. versus the sudden loss of what I was accustomed to be my norm for the last 7 months.

I need to be around people that I aspire to be like, to chose people in my life who can lift me up and vice versa.  I want to be on this journey with individuals that have some of the same goals in their own quests to be healthy.  People have always told me to be around people who bring a smile to your face, who spread kind words, give gentle nudges, and challenge you to look at things differently so you can learn and grow.  That happened and I feel as though this new path in my journey will bring me that and more.

My lesson in all of this and my suggestion to pass on is this, Embrace change, even if you dont like it at first.  See the positive in it, before you judge by the negative. It can very well be that one thing you’ve been looking for in your own journey, and you may not have exactly be asking for it at the time.

REST….is sometimes all we need

I’ve been back on my journey for 6 months now…going pretty steady with weight training and cardio.  I’ve been pretty steady with my weight loss as well.  But sometimes our body reaches a point where it needs to rest.  I recognized this alittle more than a week ago when my knee was bothering me and I continued to keep pushing myself 6 days a week with some days exercising twice a day.  After just 1 day of resting it wasnt cutting it and my knee was not feeling better, so I made the decision to take a full week of rest to allow my knee to heal.

My week of rest consisted of watching my food carefully and the only physical activity was short walks.  It was the best decision I could make.  I worked out today for 85 minutes between cardio and weight training after 7 days and my knee held up marvelously.  I felt great.  I had no discomfort or tightness in my knee.

My lesson to myself on my journey is listen to my body.  Dont feel guilty if I need to take a break. A break doesn’t mean veer off the plan and just dump all I’ve accomplished to the waste side.  It means simply stop, evaluate myself, and make a decision to rest my body.  It made all the difference in the world for me this week.  I’m so thankful that I listened…no damage, just rest for my body and I’m back into the swing of things, full steam ahead, on my way to reach all of my goals.

I’m Back in the swing of things

It has been 3 months since I wrote in my blog, and I feel guilty about it because I always feel accountable for myself.   I also know that it makes me feel good to read my accomplishments and/or disappointments in black and white.  In the past 3 months I have taken on a new fitness class, which I love.  You may have heard of it, “POUND”?  This awesome instructor, who motivates, and drives me to have fun while I workout, and at the end of the hour, it’s as if I didn’t even workout and burn all those calories.  The gym family is so important to me and my journey, it was before when I was losing weight.  These women lift each other up, and motivate one another to keep going and it always makes me feel good to do the same for them.  In addition I have been doing boot camp when my work schedule permits and weight training with my trainer 2 times a week.  I surely have the fitness and exercise under my belt.  I recently received a treadmill from a friend, and I started running on it again and getting my knees used to the movement again, I huge milestone for me.

In the 5 1/2 months that I have been back at it, I am down 32 pounds, and boy does it feel great.  But over the past couple of months, its hasn’t been the number on the scale for me.  It has been the way I feel physically and mentally.  Several years ago when on this journey, it was all about the number each week, I was almost a robot, just doing same regimen, eating the same food, etc.. I was obsessed with the number and that is what drove me.  I’ve changed, and have recognized that for me this time, that the number just isn’t as important.  My mental state is a big more clear and when I have a bad day or a bad week, it’s easier for me to get back up and move forward and not allow it to wreck the entire week for me.  I have been addressing the mental aspect of this journey by going to a counselor once a month.  I’m being treated for PTSD, and going through the process to help me with trauma I have experienced at a young age, and it is definitely making a difference in my mind-set and how I turn to food to feed stress, anxiety, or whatever is going on in my life.

If there is anything more I am learning this time around, is that I can get right back up, that I am stronger than ever both physically and mentally, and one bad day doesn’t have to ruin my goals.  I feel more empowered, and more motivated to succeed.  Logging my food and accounting for my calorie intake and outtake, is making a huge difference in what I see on the scale each week.  But I’m not putting so much precedence on this part of the journey.   What I see I the mirror is meaning so much more to me and it feels great.  I’m going to try to make more time to write about my journey and my successes and trials along the way.  If it will help more women like myself, find their path to success, then that will be reward enough for me.  I’ve been there and I know how it feels to just start something.  We are in this together and it does take a village.  I truly believe that.

New Year, New Me

It’s been five days into the New Year and I am finally sitting down to write a new entry in my blog.  I’ve been anticipating what I will write, because I feel like sometimes I have a lot to say, but will I really get everything going on in my head, down in the blog?  That is the challenge for me.  Some people have already committed to making their New Year’s resolutions, some people have already started and quit and there are others who feel that making a resolution, only to not commit to it, is a waste of time.  This year I chose to not necessarily MAKE a resolution, but just DO what it is I have set in my mind, to live happier, healthier and fit.   If I spend too much time thinking about it, planning, analyzing, researching, etc, I end up not even committing to anything. So this year, is the year that I stay on this journey, as long as it takes me, with as many obstacles that present themselves and not fall off course.

I thought first and foremost that I would place a reminder in this blog of where I started and how far I have come.  Four years ago I started on this journey, to lose weight and get healthy.  I was over 300 pounds and my doctor told me that I was pre-diabetic and needed to lose some weight before my blood work showed I was a diabetic  That scared me into making a decision to change my eating habits and to get moving.  The first 8 months of the journey I received help from a weight loss clinic to guide me towards making better choices when it came to food, and to exercise, but I limited myself to eating only certain foods and only walking.  I reached a limit and realized I needed something else bigger than just me in my home doing cardio and eating the same menu every week.  Once I found a gym and hired a trainer, I was well on my path to bigger and better things.  Fast forward 14 months into my journey and I was down 120 lbs, and only 14 pounds away from my goal.  I felt on top of the world.  I was motivating others in fitness, and even training some other women who needed some guidance.  I felt like I was in the best place possible and well on my way to reaching all of my health goals.

But here I am almost four years later and back on my journey and realizing so many other things I didn’t realize before that I needed to do to help me be more successful.  I have been reunited with a support system that I was missing over the last 2 years and I found some new friends that have similar goals to live happier and healthier.  I have incorporated some new fitness classes and learned some additional information about food and how it fuels my body.  But the one thing I find myself fixated on, which I was fixated on before as well is the number on the scale.  I want to see results, I want to see that all the sweat and hard work, paid off in that little magic number on the scale.  But I was reminded, that we can measure our success in other ways as well.  Here are just a few.  Weight training, I’m getting stronger!  Inches, I am losing inches, which is why my clothes fit looser, the swelling in my ankles used to swell pretty bad, but now it has lessened.  Energy!  I have a lot of energy now that I didn’t have prior to October.  I am starting to see muscle tone in my arms and shoulders that were once there.  The list goes on and on.  I need to stop beating myself up about whether or not there is a loss on the scale and if the magic number is not what I hope it to be, that I analyze and go back through my week to understand why it is that way.  I’m continuing to track my food in MyFitnessPal, which helps me be accountable and shows me days where I may have not chosen so wisely.

This next week I will do better at not reflecting what I see on the scale, but what I see overall in my body and my mind.  I’m in a much better place than I was 3 months ago, and I know as I continue down this path, it only gets better.  Weigh-in is tomorrow and it marks my 12 weeks back onto this journey.  I’m excited to measure my inches as well to see how much I’ve lost, and I will report back on my progress.  This is a journey, a long one, and one that I am willing to follow and appreciate, the good, the bad and everything in between.

 

18….the only number I needed to hear today

Eighteen pounds lost since October 12th when I returned to my journey to a healthy and fit lifestyle.  I couldn’t be more happy.  I’m not losing weight like I did on my journey a few years back, but it’s ok.  I’m surely not the same person, nor is my body.  I’m building muscle, lean muscle, as I’m dropping this weight for the last time.  I feel great, like I could run a marathon…well maybe a spartan race or a tough mudder…but all in do time.  My flexibility is regained, my endurance and agility are improved and there are so many positives.  All to the tune of 18.

While I do have a long journey ahead of me, I’m welcoming this path as its so different than before.  My ability to overcome obstacles has grown dramatically.  Stresses and anxieties that would normally cause me to over eat or eat with my emotions are fewer now and I owe that all to personal growth.  Something I’ve been working on for awhile now and will continue to work on through out this journey and the rest of my life.

Some incredible things at work and socially are also happening.  One thing I loved before was to help inspire and motivate others.  My continual posting, allows me to be accountable to myself but it is also inspiring others and I couldn’t be more happier about this.  I have ladies at work who have approached me and asked what I can do to help them along and while I would love to jump right in and steer their paths, I am so focused on my own steps on this journey to be sure I do this forever.  I’ve been working out with a friend at work and coaching another coworker to make some better decisions around food and that feels great too.  My ultimate end goal is to be in this industry and help people everyday.  What a story I will have.

So I end this post with just this message,  a number is just a number, however the actions we take daily, the choices we make for ourselves outweigh this number tenfold.  How good it feels.

We are perfectly imperfect

I was reminded today when reading a post on Facebook from another beautiful woman who has battled with her weight for years now.  “We are perfectly imperfect” and that everyday we need to love our bodies just as they are, wrinkles, flabby, loose skin and extra pounds.  I faced the reality of my weight and my body a few months back when I decided to start working on my journey again and accepted who I was and where I was at.  It was the only way for me to start again and I’m so happy that I did.

We all need to love ourselves just as we are.  And while some days I doubt myself and my abilities, I know that I am strong and able.  Able to keep pushing myself, able to believe I have everything in me to succeed in this journey and I’m not stopping.

It’s been 9 weeks since I started again and I have noticed some positive changes in my body and I’m happy with them. My muscle tone is returning and I’m losing inches. My clothes are looser and my face is thinning out.  I have more energy than I’ve had in months.  My knees don’t ache and the swelling is gone in my ankles.  While I have lost 15 lbs so far, I have gained so much more.  I’m loving this body every day and it feels great.

In Battle with Myself

It’s been since last week that I posted, and I feel like so much has happened in 1 short week.  I hit a huge milestone in my fitness that I thought I could never physically do, but my body was strong enough to succeed.  The jumping jack!  Not just 1 jumping jack, but 200.  I honestly didn’t think my body could hold up to 100 jumping jacks, but I accomplished 200 in total.  My mind was telling me, NO WAY, but after I was in the moment, BAM!  it happened, the mental battle in my head was defeated by the fact that my physical strength overpowered.  When I finished, I cried like a baby!  Yes, I did.  It was a special moment and few will understand what that feels like.  I am getting stronger and I am facing obstacles physically with my body that I didn’t think I could accomplish with only 2 months back on my healthy journey.  But mostly its about recognizing the battle I have within myself that fights for making good decisions, that struggles to accomplish physical tasks and for sticking to this journey when times get tough.

I often use this quote, “I’m in battle with myself”, because I feel very strongly about this.  Since I have struggled for so long with food addiction, and emotional eating, it has become even more a reality that every single day I am worried about what I am going to eat, if I am going to workout and making healthy choices.  Maybe some of you can relate.  Food is such a big part of our lives, but I want to make it so it no longer is such a big part of mine.  To change the way I feel about food, my relationship with it and what it does for me.  Several months ago I started seeing a therapist to help me better understand what my relationship was with food and how to change that.  And I feel that so far it is working out well.  I started to reach deep into past experiences and challenges and I soon figured out that food provides me a comfort I have sought most of my childhood and adult life.  I didn’t have much comfort from my parents when I was younger, not the kind of comfort that young children need when they are growing up from the people they look up to.  So instead I sought out that feeling from something else.  I turned to food.  Soon food had a control over me, at least that’s what I felt.

Now with this therapy and restarting back on my journey, I am slowing looking at food differently.  Fitness is a part of my daily life again, logging my food and being accountable for my meals and my calories, and actually posting it on Facebook for me to see.  It feels good to be accountable, and starting to see results in my body and on the scale.  Additionally the support I have again from my family and friends at the gym also helps tremendously.  Am I still in battle with myself?   Of course, but my hope is that slowly but surely, its not a daily battle, but a way of life to live happy, healthy and fit.

 

 

 

Back again on my journey to health and fitness

It’s been since Feb 2015 that I wrote in this blog.  Alot has happened over the past year, but one thing is still constant… I am determined to live a fit and healthy life!  Let me tell you a bit of what’s happened since the last time I checked in…. I spent over a year feeling sorry for myself for gaining back ALMOST all of my 120 pounds lost.  I ate when I was sad, happy, depressed, frustrated and angry.  I stopped weight lifting and going to the gym.  I drank less water, removed myself from all communications to the support team and gym that I so fell in love with during my journey.  I cried, I screamed and felt guilty every single day.  I even went as far as scheduling weight-loss surgery, thinking it was my only solution out!

Then miraculously one day I decided I needed to find forgiveness, not only with myself, but with a true friend of mine who helped me on my journey to live a healthier lifestyle.  I simply called him up and said,”Can we talk, and can I please ask for forgiveness?” and it happened!  The one thing my husband so many times said, “Just go back and talk”, but it was more than that.  We all need to ask for forgiveness and forgive others as well as ourselves.  For what they did wrong to us and what we did wrong to ourselves.  It was the moment I also said, “I accept myself”, ” I accept where I am, how I got here and I accepted that I gained the weight back”.  BIG MOMENT for me, BIG!

It’s been 7 weeks since I have been back to the gym that I found I was my true-authentic self, the place I felt I belonged and truly made some wonderful friends along the way.  I canceled my weight-loss surgery,  hired my trainer back and have been weight lifting and exercising 6 days a week every since.  I am eating healthier, making better choices and most of all I am addressing the one thing that I didn’t address two years ago, and that is my emotional and mental well being.  This journey is more than just eating right and exercising, its also so much about taking care of ourselves mentally and acknowledging that there could very well be underlining issues that need special care.  As I mentioned about myself before, I am a FOOD ADDICT, or at least I was self diagnosed as one.  I started seeing a specialist to help me better understand my issues with food and why I have such a strong connection to food and what it does for me.

I can say that by taking this additional step in my journey, it is providing me so much insight and help with my addiction.  I am starting to look at food differently, I am being accountable for what I eat, even if it isn’t the best choice, and for being honest with myself and others about food. I am logging my calories, my exercise and my water.  I am checking in with my counselor once a month to really help address my food issues and I am committed to the exercise and healthy lifestyle, I have longed for this past year.  With all this said, I am happy to report I am down 14 pounds so far, I’m building muscle and I am well on my path to a healthy and fit body and mind.  I will be posting almost daily, so feel free to follow me.  This is the time, no gimmicks. no shortcuts, no surgery, just hard work, dedication and commitment to my goals.   I wish each and everyone of your, who is on the same path, a happy and healthy life.

You know you are a Food Addict, WHEN…

 I’ve been doing some extensive reading on Binge Eating, Overeating and Food addiction.  To be honest, I am an addict.  It is a hard thing to admit too.  But like tens of thousands of others like me, it is reality.  Is there a cure?  Yes.  Is this easy?  No.  I’ve also got some nutritional counseling recently because I was convinced I am not doing this correctly.  Guess what, I am not!  My vision and education on food is a little skewed and I need to fix it and re-educate myself.

In order for me to be successful at weight loss for the rest of my life, means I need to get a handle of my food addiction and change my feelings about food and what it does for me.  I thought I had a handle on this, but to be honest I didn’t and that is what brought me to where I am today.  With a gain on the scale and no weight loss in sight.  Ugh!  This journey I have been on is 2 years in the making.  Did I lost 120 lbs yes!  Hooray!  But the scale is slowly creeping back up and I’m going out of my mind.

You know you are a food addict when you think about food 24 x 7.  What am I going to eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner, what about my snacks, when will I get to my favorite coffee shop to get my fix?  Food is comfort, is feels glorious going down.  But I am not satisfied, not in the long run and I am spinning out of control of this journey I am on.  I need help.  I need control.  I need to feel good about myself again and what I see in the mirror.  Right now I see the old me, over 300 lbs and miserable with myself.  Although I am not 300 pounds, I am no longer in ‘Onederland’ and its killing me!

I’ve tried so many things, drastic things, excessive and restrictive diet tricks.  I’ve bought this shake, those supplements and stupid pills that do absolutely nothing but put a whole in my wallet and a frown on my face.  The picture I have attached is from August 2014.  11 months into weight training and working with a trainer on my journey.  This was a proud moment for me.  I did a muscle flex pose because I wasn’t convinced how far I have come til I saw myself like this.  Healthy and fit and on my way to my goal weight.  I don’t feel the same way now.  But on a positive note, I have a new gym and a new weight training regime that I am following to get me to my goal.

We don’t always know what is right around the corner for us.  I surely didn’t expect that this journey would be 2 years in the making and that I still would be struggling with food and the scale.  This is a process and for each and every one of us it is different and unique.  We struggle, we kick ourselves, we celebrate the small victories and we strive to be a better self.  I have resolved  to no longer write about my next “best big thing”.  This isn’t about try this new thing, go do that new diet and follow the latest Fad.  It’s about wholesome food, being in touch with ourselves, having an honest relationship with good food and striving to continue working towards our goals and succeeding.  I am already a winner and I am not the same person I was 2 years ago.  This journey has enlightened me, made me come face to face with my addiction,  and show my true colors.  We all must continue to grow and accept change, lift ourselves up when we are down, and lean on others in our lives that bring happiness to it.

I will look like that photo above again!  In fact I will be in a smaller frame, with a bigger smile and hopefully more cut muscles.  I am not afraid of some muscle definition.  Keep rooting for me.  I’ve got a-ways to go, but I am here cheering you on as well!

My January on the Whole30 plan – restart needed

To say the least I did not do the Whole30 plan 100%. If we are talking percentage I would say 50%. It is alot to change all at once but I am not willing to give up at this point. As I mentioned in my last post, the preparation is the hardest and takes the most time. But that’s really not the hardest part. You have to be willing to do the plan 100% or you are wasting your time in trying to achieve the full affects of what Whole30 can do to your life and your health. Its a change in mindset and that’s where I struggled.
My head was not 100% in it. In fact my head hasn’t been “into it” for awhile now and it is taking a toll on me. Big Time! I don’t have any excuses really, it’s ME, totally ME! Most of this weight loss journey has been psychological for me. The physical part is the easiest. Food means different things to different people. For me it’s comfort, it’s the control I have at the particular time I am enjoying it. It’s happiness, sadness, excitement and sorrow all at once. How is this possible? How come 2 years into my journey I am still battling with emotional eating and just eating ‘because’? I wish I had all the answers. This cycle needs to end.
My sister and her husband were very successful on the first Whole30. I am so proud of them and I partly introduced the plan to them because my brother in law is diabetic and I read numerous stories of how much this program can help those individuals suffering from the disease. I am happy to report that my brother-in-law stuck to the plan and is down significant weight and has his sugar under control. Wowsa! Right! Way to go Eric and Dana. So proud of you.
I really enjoyed the meals I prepared and the freshness of the food. I couldn’t drink my coffee black after all and that pushed me over the edge. I had to have my 2 tbsp of my sugar-free creamer. A big No-No on the plan. No artificial sugar either. No sugar of any kind. There is gratification after prepping for a nice meal that is healthy and sitting down and enjoying it. But my failures came into afternoon snacking, grabbing things on the way home for example after a workout and being hungry, with coffee, coffee and more coffee. I am addicted.
So here I am again. No where near where I wanted to be a month ago. This week I celebrated my 2 year anniversary on my weight loss journey. I wanted to be at my goal weight at this point and I am not. I have alot of hard work ahead of me and I need to get the food cravings and binge eating under control so that all of this was not for nothing. This is important to me, more than anything to be happy with my body, my appearance in the mirror and to set a good example for others that want the same success in their health and fitness journey. I will report back as I approach my 2nd attempt at Whole30. Starting the reset clock…NOW!